Friday, January 2, 2015

Nine of Swords Vs 21 Years of Recovery

I really don't like seeing on the Nine of Swords the menacing wrath of these Furies toward Orestes, with their threatening presence.
Considering however today, January 2nd, 2015, being my 21 year A.A. anniversary of contented sobriety, it really gave me pause to reflect on my days before sobriety. I was like Orestes, tormented, often full of great fear and anxiety with feelings of impending doom, that did not necessarily manifest itself,  nonetheless it was both frightening and painful. The fear of destruction caused me to have all kinds of free floating anxiety and fantasy at times. I felt pursued by guilt and shame, which I thought would no doubt end in a terrible future, even if these fears where not based on reality. Of this however, I am quite convinced; had  I continued to drink, these fears would have eventually become self-fulling prophecies.

I thank God I came to understand the reason for my fear and guilt, which provided insight once I got sober through the 12 Step Fellowship.

I can not say I am completely free from worry, or never feel moments of fear and anxiety, but so does everyone. The difference today is, I no longer have to, nor choose to pick up a drink to cope. Today my antidote to worry is action and prayer.
Reality suits me just fine, no matter what happens in life today, and for that I am very grateful.


Ellen said...

"Today my antidote to worry is action and prayer." Amen!
Today I've picked up my watercolors again. The fear of failure was growing bigger every day and every night and now it s gone ( for now)

Ellen said...

And then I pushed the publish button to soon
My dear friend I want to congratulate for this tremendous effort. Regaining control over your life again is the most difficult and rewarding thing a person can ever accomplish
Big hug and lots of love!!

Unknown said...

Lol thank you Ellen. I am so thankful I didn't have to go down the long road that so many do and I got off the merry-go-round when I did. There was a fellow in AA that once said giving a medallion to an alcoholic is like giving a cowboy with hemorrhoids a medallion for not getting on his horse. That keeps me humble. I wouldn't trade one of my worst days sober for one of my best days drunk.

Thanks for the great big love Ellen!

Neopagan Priestess said...

Congratulations on this milestone, Cath! As you say, we're never totally free from worry, yet having achieved so much surely helps - you know how strong you are! :)

Unknown said...

Thank you Kerry.

You know it's funny I felt this past year 2014 was not a good one, but when I took a real inventory I achieved a lot, and turned out it was a damn good year all things considered. I let myself get caught up in worry. Yes I has some worrisome situations, but most I was able to overcome and cope with. Glad I took that inventory. Just goes to show what we perceive and how it matches reality can be very different if we live in our imaginings in our head caught up in worry and what I call awefulizing. Whew glad I managed to figure that one out!