Three of Swords - Tarot Readings in Cyber Space

In every suit of threes initial completion is what is represented.  The Three of Swords represents heartache, separation and grief. It's a sorrowful card because of strife, conflict and a painful situation.

This week I spent an afternoon doing a face to face reading. These are always enjoyable and energy expending but energizing at the same time.

I always include the face to face readings with a hard copy emailed reading for my clients future reference, because for those not familiar with Tarot it's a lot of information to take in and it can be like hearing an incomprehensible foreign language to the questioner.

When composing online emailed readings they can be both time consuming, and very rewarding. Then add the combination of computers, WiFi and the Internet this can be very convenient and potentially frustrating. This was very much the case for me this week.

I had the pleasure of doing this sit down reading with my friend, intending to follow up with an email of the reading, other unforeseen and unexpected factors came into play.

After having been called away from home, on what I felt was a bit of a goose chase yesterday and delayed my task by several hours. When I finally returned I set about completing the reading and was ready to send it off into cyber space, when the WiFi, my prehistoric desk top computer and  slow-speed internet connection, all seemed to conspire against me by going on the fritz.

I then decided to use my little Kobo reader to forward the reading, as I can use the internet on this little gadget. Something happened when I hit send on my Kobo, and the reading was gone. Thing was, it wasn't sent, nor was it anywhere to be found in any of my folders. It was simply sucked into the black hole of cyber space.

I proceeded to go into a big heartsick fit. The anxiety and stress I was feeling over this loss felt very palpable, because I had spent a long time carefully interpreting this reading for my friend. Nothing I tried worked, in hopes to retrieve my email. I felt my reading and I where  forever parted, and there was nothing I could do get it back. Of course I wasn't thinking right and was reacting, not responding rationally.

My distress continued to escalate, until I finally managed to get a grip after getting very annoyed at my visceral reaction. At the same time I happened to hear an item on the radio about the British Columbia fires, and how so many had lost everything they owned. Wow I thought, that's real loss. I asked myself, what am I doing getting so bent out of shape over my reading being lost in cyber space?

My really inconsequential loss paled so poignantly to me in comparison, that I was embarrassed by my behaviour and the way I felt and resolved to continue to work on changing this kind of reactionary, very hyper-vigilant behaviour that rears it head now and again, when I let stress get the better of me.

The lesson in this card, is how eventually it's necessary to work out the consequences of our choices over time, and once we do this, we will be relieved and our hearts will be healed.

So calming down I went to bed and knew, I simply would redo the email and send it along, which I did yesterday night, and I was happy and grateful in doing so.

Five of Cups - Attention - The One Cup Left Standing

"Attention, taken to its highest degree, is the same thing as prayer. It presupposes faith and love.
Absolutely unmixed attention is prayer.
If we turn our mind toward the good, it is impossible that little by little the whole soul will not be attracted thereto in spite of itself."

                                                         -Simone Weil

We see here Psyche who is in desperate pursuit of Eros. Their relationship seems to have completely gone off the rails. Psyche has shone the lamp on Eros to reveal what he looked like, after he forbid her to ever do so. However all is not lost. Yes there are four cups knocked over, spilling the contents. However one still remains standing, symbolizing what is left will strengthen and sustain their love for one another, not based on will, but based on attention.

Cups representing emotion, and the Five of Cups being about adversity, loss, regret and bereavement makes this card very poignant in meaning for me today. It's been said , if you don't deal with your emotions, they will deal with you.  But how do we do this?

I've come to an important realization over the past week regarding death, loss and how it's fraught with deep emotion, it effects and how continues to affect me, and knowing what I can and need do about it.

Recently our small rural coastal community lost one of our young people to suicide. It's affected all of us in various ways, and degrees, especially affecting the immediate family and friends.

Our culture doesn't cope well with death, and we keep it at arms length. Most of us have grown up with out the skills of knowing what to do or say to those who are grieving. When we're directly affected by the loss of our loved ones, we're often at a complete loss as to how to cope, experiencing overwhelming fear and trauma resulting in Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, especially if we have had more than our share of tragedy and loss in our lives.

After doing some research on line, I've come to the conclusion my responses to death, are a direct result of my own symptoms of PTSD, having experienced so much loss in my life due to the tragic deaths of loved ones mostly caused by disease. I was really mostly unaware of this, until the past week. I knew my reactions were troubling, disconcerting and probably not normal, but I never consciously attributed them to PTSD. I was mostly left with anxiety, fear and guilt.

I'm relieved to know this, as I can now begin to process and really understand my reactions and feelings that I've been experiencing over the years, and do something about it.

Yesterday I went to see the grandparents of this beautiful young person we lost to suicide. They're both my friends and neighbours. I walked to their house. On the way I became acutely aware of the visceral feelings I was having. Panic, anxiety, pounding heart, all underlined by overall feelings of depression. Regardless and in spite of my feelings, I'd paid close attention to what it was I wanted and needed to do to express my deep sorrow for their loss. Though I was wanting to run away and not go, I continued up the road to see them. I'd made muffins, had a poem in hand and a prayer in my heart, for them, and for myself.
  I felt so much better after our visit and my feelings had dispelled. We cried, talked, laughed and shelled beans from their garden. I know we all felt better.


In 1980 I lost my newly wed young husband at the age of 26 to Brittle Diabetes and drug induced Paranoid Schizophrenia. Bill was two years older than this young person who recently died in our community.

 People might think, that was over thirty years ago when I'd lost my husband, maybe I should be "over" it. It doesn't matter how long it's been. What does matter is how you cope and what other losses happen adding to the complexity of grief and coping skills. My own self-medicating behaviour through the use and abuse of alcohol, only created more confusion and grief. I was lost until I reached out for help and got clean and sober 22 years ago. But just because you've put the cork in the bottle, doesn't mean everything is all better now.



 I remember what a very spiritual man said to me about prayer when Bill died. He talked to me about how prayer is carrying someone in your heart. It's paying attention with faith and love.

 Today I live without the use of alcohol, but cannot live without prayer in my life, both for others and for myself. It's the one cup, left standing, that I paid attention to.

Five of Wands - The Beast

A card about struggle, the Five of Wands reminds us that we can overcome the struggle that exists, but we don't have to, nor do we need to, struggle alone. Everyone needs some kind of help at some point in our lives and it's important we ask for help but there's nothing easy about asking. It's a humbling experience.

Letting false pride get in the way, only results in our egos becoming the beast, and the struggle with depression  and confusion that Leonard Cohen speaks about plagues and overpowers us. It's the dragon we need to fight against and we're not likely to win that battle if we have a lack of trust in our intuition and instinct, causing us further depression and apathy. At this point we loose our way in confusion, we loose sight of our vision and courage.

The Five of Wands is a hopeful, empowering card if we heed the message it conveys.

Strength - Living In The Springtime of Life

Today, Summer Solstice is the day I got married to late husband Bill in 1980. It's always a kind of bitter sweet day that hurts, and comforts simultaneously. It's also a day of remembering to find strength in my weakness. It also reminds me that... " I will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it." Alcoholics Anonymous, p.83

Of course it's normal to think of those will love who have died. I also know it's unhealthy to dwell on the what ifs and whys of the events that lead to our painful losses and all the other disturbances that accompany life's struggles, tragic happenings, that can be compared to the powerful and savage beast within us.. Today I look at my past but I don't stare. I appreciate the instinctual  animal qualities of Nemean Lion which are creative and vital and give me a sense of inner permanence, which comes from a sense of who I am.

Strength reminds me to continue learning to 'live in the springtime of life'.

The Red Road - Catherine Meyers

Drawing the Strength card this morning is a welcome card fo me.

Strength - Courage - Fortitude

Many of us have days when we feel weak within ourselves emotionally, mentally and spiritually. We can find some guidance and reassurance in the Strength card, that will hopefully enable us to overcome what it is we struggle with life. Strength urges us to respond with our heads and not our hearts, exercising restraint. Courage and fortitude is what will bring about a healing successful outcome. When this 'weakness' continues over long periods of time, we need to reach out for help.

There are many circumstances that can make us feel so over whelmed and vulnerable.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is one of the most common difficulties that can render people seemingly helpless.We can reach the jumping off point. We are afraid to live, afraid to die, and even contemplate suicide as being the only solution.

PTSD is such a common and very misunderstood mental health issue for so many of us, and it can be very difficult to ask for help or find the right kind of counselor.  Many of our loved ones and friends do not understand or know how to help us. Compassion and education is the key, and we need to stop the silence and stigma associated with having mental illness.

I understand this all to well, as I have had many loved ones that suffered with mental illness and I have myself struggled with addiction, depression, anxiety over the years, until I found 12 Step recovery.

I understand that this topic is a heavy one, that many of us rather not talk about, and want to avoid. Silence isolates, and isolation kills.
But there is life affirming hope, and it is vital that we be proactive regarding mental health especially through education, and talking openly with courage and fortitude.

Two of Swords - An Open Heart

The Two of Swords represents a delicate balance between opposing forces, which can potentially be destructive, but there is a resolution if one can face reality, and not spend energy in preserving the status-quo keeping up appearances, constantly controlling our emotions. This will wear you out, and you will be neither happy, nor unhappy. There will be no growth or movement forward. It is will be a stalemate.

The message of the Two of Swords is, keep your heart open, and this will give peace and wholeness deep within your being.

I have often heard it said, if you do not deal with your emotions they will deal with you.
It was once explained to me, by a spiritual mentor, that stuffing our feelings is like a bed spring that has popped up through a mattress. You step on the spring to press it back down, and then another spring pops up. This continues until you run out of limbs to keep the springs down, and they are popping up everywhere.

Suppressing our emotion, and not facing the truth, over a long period of time, can lead to a very unhealthy emotional state of mind, creating confusion and grief, to ourselves and often to those around us.
 Initially we are aware that we are suppressing our emotion but after years of doing so, we end up with repressed feelings, that we don't even know we are carrying them around, buried deep within in our psyche. This state can lead to mental and emotional breakdowns, leaving our lives completely unraveled. There can be much good that comes out of adversity, but a destructive situation can be prevented if you deal and accept your feelings. It's good to unhook from the merry-go-round of work, and from the storms of life. Taking ourselves to a quiet, peaceful environment, that will provide serenity  so we can reflect, and do nothing but sit by a stream or on the banks of a river, so we can listen, to that still quit voice, and to begin to open our heart.