Two of Pentacles - How to Keep Your Balls in the Air

It might seem oddly amusing to tell some that I learned how to juggle on Prince Edward Island, where. I was hanging around two fellows who were juggling clowns and was desperate to learn how to keep my balls in the air!

Little did I know what that would lead to, and what was ahead for me, an adventure of a life time. Once I learned how to juggle I was hooked and wanted to know everything about clowning and found myself leaving the protection of a very rural farming community of P.E.I. and heading to the mean streets of the city to study Mime in Toronto Ontario.

This is where and when my life changed forever through deep a profound love, followed by tragic loss. Needless to say I was no longer interested or able to know how to keep my balls in the air and simply wanted to give up on life. I'd reached that jumping off point that so many young people experience after loosing someone to death, whom you love so much.

 I was no longer "juggling". I was barely treading water, and felt like I was rapidly loosing ground. I kept on for my family, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, until I met a community of others who cared for me more than I cared for myself and they loved me back to joy, and to life.

One thing that never changes in life is change, as I'm reminded of this today, drawing the Two of Pentacles. Looking back I see how juggling has become the metaphor for my life. This card symbolizes change and the fluctuation in the flow of creative energy that needs to be grounded, channeled balanced, regardless of my circumstances.

Five of Wands - Who's Afraid of Monsters?

 In the Five of Wands Jason's fighting the big old ugly monster dragon that's guarding the Golden Fleece, but he's got help from his helper and lover Medea. We all need to find that soft place to fall, someone who can help us battle our demons and dragons. We don't have to do it on our own and today I thank God for that.

 Life will always find some kind of monster like dragon that stands in our way when we're trying to achieve our goals, but with the help, love and support from those that care and love us, in small or in big ways, this is what makes the difference in overcoming, if we are willing to humbly ask for help, or allow them to help us when they offer.

 The other important factor that makes all the difference is my attitude, which has to be a positive one if I'm going to accomplish my goals. And so this New Year I am going to back up my intentions with action instead of simple good intentions which the road to hell can be paved with as we say in the rooms of recovery.

 Though I've been sober twenty three 23 years today,  I still fight my monsterous dragons, that will never change. It's just called life. Today I live life on life's terms. I fight with myself over my procrastination and lack of motivation, because it's always been all or nothing with me, but I've made a lot progress along the way.

 Today I decided I'd go take the hour long walk to my mail box. Understand this can be a real drag for someone who struggles with motivation, especially when it comes to exercising outside in the Winter, because I don't like the cold and I'm just spleeny that way. I've stopped trying to embrace Winter as they say, and just could never get my head around that.

 As I started on my walk to the Super Box Mail Dragon, my neighbour picked me up and gave me a lift! I admit I was glad with the cold wind in my face and by the time I got back I was in serious need of using the facilities, which is so much more comfortable in my own house, as opposed to behind a bush in the woods, in the middle of no where.

 My mail box used to be directly across the road from my house, but now Canada Post in it's great wisdom, in spite of the numerous protests, decided they know how to "best serve" their customers. Before I get off on a tangent, I'll just say this about that.

 I've only been to pick up my mail twice in four weeks since they brought in the new super mail boxes. So instead of seeing this in a negative, I'm trying very hard to see it as a positive. I'll have something to look forward to at the end of my long walk (mail) I hope, like I did today.

 I heard it said once, the definition of an alcoholic is someone who always has to have something to look forward too. And if there isn't any mail, I'll be losing some weight and will feel better about myself mind, body and soul. This I know is the right attitude.

 I was happy to find Christmas cards and even a Christmas cake from my cousin, who happens to work for Canada Post and also is my mailman, but I won't blame him for that! And who doesn't love Christmas cake ;)

So, I'll to take my own advice. I'll keep asking for help when I need it and I'll be hanging on to that positive attitude while weaving the stuff of spirit and heart into my daily life.

Procrastination Monster

Temperance - The Blessing of a Balanced Heart

The Temperance card has a special and very personal meaning to me, and I will tell you why. This is the card of having the blessing of balanced heart with love, forgiveness, harmony and having cooperative relationships with all especially with ourselves.

I spent my early years as a little girl with my family, living in a real diverse neighbourhood of East End Toronto, until I was nine years old.
Later on when I was 27, I returned in 1979, to study Mime, the basis of theatre.

I found a place to live, The Women's Christian Temperance Union on Gerard and Young, close to the school I was attending. Our "school" was made up of nine students. We had our classes everyday in one of the oldest Presbyterian churches in Toronto in the basement. 
Ironically as it might be, during this time I didn't understand temperance nor sobriety. I drank, smoked, did drugs and wasn't a  good " Christian ", although I wanted to be, but didn't really have a clue how to really live a sober, spiritual life.

Before I knew it, I was to meet my future husband Bill, just around the corner at Toronto at the Young Street Mission, one evening after praying to God to bring me a Christian man to love. Bill and I met in December '79, he was clean, and sober. This caused me to refrain from drinking. I didn't want to drink. We began dating in January 1980, married in June 21st, after moving back to Nova Scotia that Summer. By September he was dead at 26, of complications from brittle diabetes, and drug induced paranoid schizophrenia he developed at the age of 16. Upon his death I hit the bottle hard, and it took me fifteen years by the Grace of God to finally learn how to live a spiritual life, and got myself clean and sober, when I admitted to myself, I was powerless over alcohol, and that my life had become unmanageable. I got myself to the rooms of the A.A.12 Step fellowship in 1994 and have never looked back.

In 2005 I returned to Toronto. This time round, it was for the International  A.A. Convention, where there were 75,000 recovering alcoholics. who we gathered in the city of Toronto for incredible meetings and fellowship.

While I was wandering around the main area of the convention centre, I struck up a conversation with an older gentleman, an A.A. long timer passing out flyers for a special meeting about the A.A. archives which wasn't listed in the booklet that had all of the meetings taking place and where. This was going to be special meeting. I made up my mind to go.

 It wasn't until I arrived at the meeting I realized exactly where I was. I was back at the very same Saint Andrew's Presbyterian Church where I had attended classes, studying Mime. The meeting was  profoundly meaningful to me, listening to the history of A.A., some of these long time members knew Bill W, the co-founder of A.A. During this once in a life time opportunity during the Convention I experienced a deep healing, resolution, and a sense of closure. I felt I'd come full circle.

Previously arriving in Toronto for the Convention, I'd miraculously re-connected on line with Bill's best friend, and best man who I had lost touch with. This was not a coincidence.

I had been on a Catholic dating site, and found Don's profile. It had been so many years since I'd last seen him at our wedding, I didn't recognize who he was, but was oddly drawn to him. As we began to communicate with one another, a feeling came over me that is difficult to explain, but I was coming to the unbelievable realization that this might be Don. I began to shake like never before, and hyperventilate. I went downstairs, brought up a picture I'd had of him from my wedding photo album, and compared it to his profile picture on the dating site.

I'd told him previously in our conversation online I was coming to Toronto.  We then found out we were both recovering members of A.A. and I confirmed it was Don, after asking questions about things that only I would know, if it was in fact him.

When I arrived in Toronto for the AA Convention and got settled in, I called Don immediately, and we arranged to meet at the Centre were there would be a huge meeting. I found out where he was sitting, and sat down beside him, after we hugged.

 Don had become a serious addict, and was very ill. It was heartbreaking to see him in such a fragile state. He wasn't the same person I once knew. He had once been studying for the priesthood and was from such a loving family from Cape Breton Nova Scotia. Bill loved his family like his own, and they dearly loved him.

Don and I now had a chance to talk about Bill, and what had happened, as Don was one of the last people to have seen him alive, before he'd died in Toronto, while I was in Nova Scotia.

What I learned from seeing Don was that this was not a chance meeting. It was meant to be, and I felt there had been a higher purpose, in that my hope and prayer was, that Don be enabled to hopefully find sobriety and a restoration in his health. God had brought us together under these circumstances in a mysterious and I think a miraculous way in order to find the temperance we both were so badly in need of, and had long been searching for. We both found this in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous after all these years. We were now two alcoholics helping one another.This is the miracle of A.A.

 "Whenever, wherever, one alcoholic meets another alcoholic and sees in that person first and foremost not that he or she is male or female, or black or white, or Christian, Buddhist, Jew, or Atheist, or gay or straight, or whatever, but sees... that he or she is alcoholic and that therefore both of them need each other - there will be not only an Alcoholics Anonymous, but there will be the Alcoholics Anonymous that you and I love so much and respect so deeply."

                                                  - Ernie Kurtz

The Ace of Wands - Work Vs Drudgery

 I'm in the thick of what I call my painting project adventure. It would be easy to feel overwhelmed, that I'm about to go doolally thinking about what this involves, but my approach is, one painting at a time, one brush stroke at a time. It is the the same outlook I have about life. It's an adventure, one day at a time. It's not all fun and games til someone gets their eye poked out. It's about fun, discipline, work, balance and living life to the fullest. the good, bad and the ugly.

So, drawing the Ace of Wands embodied in the mythic figure of Zeus, is certainly an affirming card for me today. It speaks of having abounding energy for a new project, enterprise or course of study. I certainly can use all the creative energy I can get right now!

I often hear it said, when you have a job that you love you, you'll never work again. Well I don't agree with that statement. There is work, then there is drudgery. Whatever your vocation or chosen career,  I believe it is vital to one's happiness and health, that you have a passion for your work or at least feel it gives you a rewarding kind of satisfaction, and is not drudgery. But doing what you love does not mean it is not work. There are always going to be days when you'd rather being doing something else, or nothing at all, regardless if you are very happy with what your work is.

Even having the worst jobs in the world, you can always find something positive about it I think, but who wants to be spending all their energy doing work you don't love or enjoy or you can't stand. I've had a few jobs that were pretty rotten, like repairing stinky, maggot filled milk stainless steel tanks. We've all had a crappy job, because we have to work to sustain ourselves one way or another. These jobs always build character and you learn what you're made of. They also make a person very appreciative and grateful when you do find employment that not only suits you, but is very meaningful in some way, especially if it is a vocation.

Work should not be your life nor should life be about work. I have heard it said, that workaholic-ism is worse than alcoholism because you are never home at all. If you are sloshed at home, well you are home, and maybe not sloshed all the time. I know that might sound crazy. It sure as heck is not the ideal home life and both of these behaviours are extreme. I speak from personal experience.
Having a good balance between life and work, makes all the difference to your well being.

My work is my art that I create. As an artist, creativity is my lifestyle, the way of thinking that gives me a sense of freedom and purpose. Being creative is really what makes me happy. If I choose not to create art, I still don't have to be an artist to be creative, because it is a way of thinking, a lifestyle and as the Ace of Wands represents, a force of nature.

Ace of Cups - Why Emotion Beats No Emotion

   ' My cup runneth over ', from the Hebrew Bible is what comes to mind when I see the Ace of Cups appear. It is also a card that can symbolize the individual who is almost possessed by frenzied passion, and visceral emotion, an experience where the heart overrules the head. We can be swept away in a sea of emotion that is a force of nature, causing humans to display behaviour they wouldn't usually exhibit, such as jealousy, spite, and deceit etc. These are the more negative aspects of the Ace of Cups.

Here we see Aphrodite, the goddess who initiates the powerful upsurge of raw energy toward relationship, and the love between Psyche and Eros.

I was once described as being ' a ball of emotion ', and ' a bleeding heart '. I don't agree with these derogatory descriptions. I actually learned how to stuff my emotion from the age of 6 years of age. I remember exactly the day this happened. I was in the Toronto Sick Children's Hospital with my parents, and my brother Ralph who was in the hospital bed, because he was unable to walk. He been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at this time.

Understandably I was very emotionally distraught, and when I began to express my emotion, I was told by my mother, not to cry. The statement that resonated was, " don't cry you'll make yourself sick ". I saw no tears from my parents, nor from my brother who was then, 16 years old. I got the message loud and clear as I'm sure my brother did as well, that it was not acceptable to express my emotion, and so I followed suite from there on in.

This emotional shut down continued all though my life, until I began to get serious about my recovery from alcoholism, which is often described as being a ' disease of the emotion. ' Alcoholism was all through my family on both sides, and my family had been greatly affected by the disease. Looking back, I can say I went into survival mode, and I kind of disappeared as the family's focus was completely on my brother and his illness.

Today, I understand how suppressing emotions eventually in time, become repressed, in that we are unaware we even have these emotions, and it becomes very unhealthy. If we do not deal with our emotions, they will deal with us.

 It is much better thing to be able to feel, than to not feel. The disconnection from our emotion makes us less human and we are unable to experience love, or life in a holistic way and directly affects our relationships with ourselves and with others.

Having a high intelligence quotient is valued in our society, but it is my experience that having emotional intelligence is just as valuable, if not more so. If we can manage to temper and balance our emotion with our intellect, then the Ace of Cups in our lives will serve us better, leading to a healthier, happier life, where we can thrive, instead of simply trying to survive.